“Nooobody said it was easyyyy, no one ever said it would be this harrrdddd.”
Sometimes Chris Martin narrates my thoughts.
But for real, though, this whole trying to have self-discipline in all areas of my life is hard. I honestly think I was naïve and conceited enough to be like, “Pssssh, if I make up my mind, I can shatter years and years of bad habits in like, idk, a day?” Well, guess what formerly naïve Bethany? You can’t. Oh, but there’s hope! You can make choices today that will help shatter the bad habits of yesterday (aww, that’s cute writing, Bethany).
Since I’ve started trying to work through my thoughts and errthang, I’ve wanted to go about getting healthy the right way. I KNOW there’s no quick fix. I KNOW it’s a mental thing. I KNOW I’m beautiful right now, exactly as I am. I KNOW I’m not working towards a specific size but a lifestyle overhaul of which I can be proud. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW. But that doesn’t mean it’s any easier.
I wanted to sum up my thoughts in a profound way today, but basically, I’m so far from where I’ve been (positively speaking) and the future is bright so I’m ok with just taking a second to shrug my shoulders and say, “Y’ALL, THIS ISN’T EASY.” I’m not trying to fool myself. Some days (more so than not), I don’t want to try. I want to give into laziness and apathy, and sometimes I do. But, I see myself rallying quicker than before—recognizing those thoughts and putting them where they belong (which is not in my mind). My intention was to be honest and open with my progress, but I’ve struggled with only posting positive progress (which is a struggle of perfectionism, etc, blah blah blah) but oh well. I’m learning/trying/moving forward/progressing/positive phrases. Tune in soon for more honest thoughts. THANK U.
Also, because it kind of feels fall-ish in Houston today, this song always feels like fall to me AND I did quote it earlier so I think it’s only fair that I give you something to listen to:
I actually did some meal preppin last night for the first time (why haven’t I done this before???!!?!?!???) Thoroughly enjoyed day 1 of having a pre-prepped lunch today. Straight preppin’
All the way back in 2008 I did a study abroad program in Oxford, UK. For anyone who knows me personally is aware how much this trip meant to me. I made lifelong friends and lived in a gorgeous, suspended reality. Towards the end of the trip I was weighing probably the lowest I had ever weighed since childhood, but I didn’t realize that. I knew I wasn’t really focusing on weight loss. It was just sort of happening. I was busy having fun, and I had way more priorities (like
flirting with British boys studying). I remember taking photos and criticizing my appearance. Now, there were a few photos I thought, “Dannnnggg girl. You look good!” but for the most part, I had negative thoughts about the majority of my photos.
Over the years, I have looked back at the photos (Full disclosure: I have put on weight since then). I’m always amazed at how good I looked compared to how I felt in the moment. Since then (ugh honesty hour/embarrassing hour), with Instagram and things such as #throwbackThursday, I have wanted to post pictures of my time over there. But I don’t – I don’t post any with me in them because I think people will see the photo and think how much better I looked then (and subsequently how gross I look now). I had subconsciously started to view that time in my life as my “prettiest.” But in the moment, I certainly did not think that! It got me thinking (always dangerous). Somewhere in my mind I had a standard of beauty that I was not meeting while I was in Oxford. And now, I still hold that same standard of beauty but was closer to it in Oxford than I am now? How could that be possible? If I didn’t think I was there in 2008, I certainly can’t think that now (because of time not going backwards, duh). This is probz a little wordy so I’ll try to sum up what I’m trying to convey.
I’ll only be as beautiful as I am right now. There is only one standard of beauty for me and that is however I look in this moment. It doesn’t matter what my future holds and what hairstyle I’ll have in 10 years or the standard of beauty I think I’m not at yet. I can only be beautiful right now, in this moment. But that’s good news! If I’m only beautiful in whatever moment I’m in, I’m always in a moment (because I can only exist one moment at a time, duh) so that means I’m always beautiful! And because I’m beautiful in the moment, once the moment passes, I’ll still be beautiful. So I can look back proudly at Oxford and say, “Dannnnggg girl! You’re right. You did look good.” But now I can also look myself in the mirror, right now, and say, “Dannnnggg girl. You’ll never look more or less beautiful than you look right now.” And that’s a fine standard of beauty to achieve. ***
To get over my insecurity of posting Oxford pictures, here’s a photo of me being extremely excited about seeing Clarence House.
***I’m learning that there is not much of a difference between viewing myself as beautiful and desiring to be healthy. It’s a difficult balance between body acceptance and self-discipline, but I’m working on it.
If you’ve got it, flaunt it!
Originally I filmed this to send a silly snapchat to some friends, but it got me thinking.
Sometimes I will like something about myself, but then I’m convinced I’m being vain or conceited. Nah, boo. Like what you like. Clearly, I’m not talking about unhealthy vanity or narcissism. I’m just talking about some good old-fashion “I am beautiful” affirmation crap! Say it if it’s true!
We spend too much time telling ourselves what ISN’T true like, “I’m worthless” or “you must look like ‘x’ to be accepted.” Tell yourself you’re beautiful because that—for sure—is true.
When I’m exercising and my monitor watch says my heart rate is too high, and I’m not in my target zone
I call this piece A Girl & Her Hummus
Message for limited lithograph pricing!!!